You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
