In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
