Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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