This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
