Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
