I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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