I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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