i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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