worst night to have a conscience
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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