I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
