did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
