so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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