well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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