i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
