i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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