The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
