I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
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There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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