i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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