i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
