cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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