tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
