I can't breathe out the right side of my face
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
