What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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