the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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