I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
