you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
