textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
