Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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