My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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