When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
