He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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