Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
