I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
