wanna go halves on a baby?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
