the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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