Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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