Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
