we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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