Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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