well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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