Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
