You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
