My sheets look like a crime scene.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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