I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
