i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is Oprah even human
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
