his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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