I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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