oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss