Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them http://tfl.nu/zk8b

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

wow.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, it was that bad.

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(215): i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me" (267): wow. (215): yeah, it was that bad. http://tfl.nu/hwqj

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin

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(262): Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin http://tfl.nu/0pd1

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(757): View more from Virginia

my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...

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(757): my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'... http://tfl.nu/26q5

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(408): View more from California

Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

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(408): Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand http://tfl.nu/h440

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(847): View more from Illinois

so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.

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(847): so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all. http://tfl.nu/abug

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(815): I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed. http://tfl.nu/ikx6

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles? (856): Right after we had the just friends talk.. http://tfl.nu/zby8

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb

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(281): View more from Texas

Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap

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(281): Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap http://tfl.nu/xw89

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(540): View more from Virginia

For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.

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(540): For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners. http://tfl.nu/0hks

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(510): View more from California

Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?

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(510): Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye? http://tfl.nu/6n0k

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(541): View more from Oregon

stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms

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(541): stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms http://tfl.nu/9llu

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(206): View more from Washington

You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke

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(206): You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke http://tfl.nu/er3q

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket

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(+44): you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket http://tfl.nu/sq21

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