i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
