So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What a dumb baby whore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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