so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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