some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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