whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize