new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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