I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
