when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
