Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
