I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
