Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
