I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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