You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
