He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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