your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
